| insights |
[Feb. 1st, 2010|04:29 am] |
"Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. When you are eating, eat totally--chew totally, taste totally, smell totally. Touch your bread, feel the texture. Smell the bread, smell the flavor. Chew it, let it dissolve into your being, and remain conscious--and you are meditating. And then meditation is not separate from life. Whenever meditation is separate from life, something is wrong. It becomes life-negative. Then one starts thinking of going to a monastery or to a Himalayan cave. Then one wants to escape from life, because life seems to be a distraction from meditation. Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation."
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"Existence is not a problem to be solved, it is a mystery to be lived. And you should be perfectly aware what the difference is between a mystery and a problem. A problem is something created by the mind; a mystery is something which is there, not created by the mind. A problem has an ugliness in it, like disease. A mystery is beautiful. With a problem, immediately a fight arises. You have to solve it; something is wrong, you have to put it right; something is missing, you have to supply the missing link. With a mystery there is no question like that. The moon arises in the night.... It is not a problem, it is a mystery. You have to live with it. You have to dance with it. You have to sing with it, or you can be just silent with it. Something mysterious surrounds you."
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"If the whole existence is one, and if the existence goes on taking care of trees, of animals, of mountains, of oceans from the smallest blade of grass to the biggest star -- then it will take care of you too. Why be possessive? The possessiveness shows simply one thing: that you cannot trust existence. You have to arrange separate security for yourself, safety for yourself; you cannot trust existence. Non-possessiveness is basically trust in existence. There is no need to possess, because the whole is already ours."
-Osho |
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| Grandfather's wisdom |
[Jan. 27th, 2010|03:19 pm] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  determined | ] |
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between what has changed from the last day, to the next. I might be relating my sense of change unknowingly to my environment, and well, I can't live like that. I have been doing so lately, and I've been feeling spiritually and mentally weak because of it. But I have to be honest with my self here; even this entry feels embarrassingly familiar. I can almost hear the drag. Deep down I'm afraid of being vulnerable & alone, and that the choices I make will isolate me (from 'what' I have to ask). Yet somehow I feel I would benefit from said isolation. I need change.
Undoubtedly it's me and me alone that will be getting anything done; seeing what I want to see. A contradiction like this says: "but I have to trust my self, and put a little more faith into what I'm doing. No one else is going to have that for me. I am a self supplier of my own faith, intuition and knowing. Without this I am lost to the currents."
6 months for a goal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2010|05:25 pm] |
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"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2010|04:08 pm] |
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I will be strong for you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|10:54 pm] |
LOVE ME FOR THE FOOL I AM
(the laughing angel-imbecile).
The thrill
of kissing you
is seeing me in your eyes.
We try for purity
but
still
we're glorious
blobs
of meat.
I worship you
like blood
or oil or wheat.
Our love is flawed
and swallowed
by the rush of time.
A mindless innocence,
they say,
is a crime.
We dance on borrowed feet.
-Michael McClure |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|05:45 pm] |
I have to say something if I want to sing
But it's not about the words
It's my voice rising
To a place far from me
That my fingers can't reach
And my legs are so tired from all this standing
Standing still
All of my dreams are memories
That I can't place to a time or a face
But my body knows
Of the ribbons and bows
That I once was tied in
In my mother's skin
Before and again
Before and again
Before and again |
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| Goodnight LJ |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|01:58 pm] |
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What a beautiful day for anything to happen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2009|11:31 am] |
Things have been on and off stressful, nothing too bad though, thankfully. It always seems that when I'm in the "right" position, something just jumps at me. Of course that's with anything though. I've been thinking a lot about not thinking, I guess if that makes sense. I try to keep less distracted. Things have certainly changed - to speak broadly on the subject. I feel everything around, and in me has had sweeping changes (growing pains). Although, pain is no mystery, no stranger and I do not resist, run or shy from it forcefully. Pain is one of the greatest teachers to which acceptance is it's lesson. It has been more my intention to speak, act & think with actual intention as opposed to being overly unconscious, yet in that same respect I am so much more willing now to succumb to the "flow" of things.
I am really entertained by the idea of keeping a regulated schedule. I like having energy. I like feeling well fed & like I have the strength to do something. I enjoy that if I'm experiencing any kind of strain it has to do with exercise, or, at least if I am frustrated, it proves to be a great outlet for it. I love feeling like I have a FULL day. Putting it into practice has been rewarding, but I want more. Somehow it eases my mind in a give & take sort of way. I want a relationship with my body & mind that will give me back the good vibes I wish to put forth into my life. It's then in these moments I've noticed all my layers peeling off, and it feels so damn good to just relax in the middle. I trust all good things will flow forth from practicing better positive attitudes... Especially in terms of the future.
I hate that I've allowed my self in the past (and even recently) to become so bitter, angry, depressed and detached. Habits are sometimes hard to break, but, noticing them as just that... Well, you live and you learn. Ignorance has had a whole new meaning lately. I am responsible for this body, these words, my actions, choices... More than just self aggrandizing mantra, or a delirious variant of self hatred. This is about being awake, living, breathing, doing, giving, participating... Loving.
These are things I want more of to which I owe the exchange of my heart & my being.
I sit in deep reflection & watch. At best I try to do just that. It is so senseless to worry, but in that same vein I have been guilty... And although there is lots on my mind, being perceptive has been key. Now is now & you're always gonna be there no matter how or which way you decide to jump into the water. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|01:06 am] |
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There is a certain difficulty putting your heart into everything you do & encounter. It is still better to think that exhaustion will not come if I can realize there is nothing for me to lose and everything to gain. My heart is not mine to keep. |
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| "I wanna see the thing in it self... I don't wanna think no more." |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|04:15 am] |
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You can't get rid of what's not there. You can't get rid of what's not there. You can't get rid of what's not there. The more you try to erase me the more, the more, the more, the more, the more, the more that I appear. Hidden lessons. The person staring back at me from the mirror now is one I do not question, or wish to forget. Clenching, tightening, pulling, grasping and yearning. But no more. A fit for war, thirsty for conflict - just so it can be lost heroically. The subtle disaster hiding within the shadows gives such radiance to the foreground. The painful, cathartic exercise in one's emotional capacities, without knowing it is simply an expression. Just to feel something, anything. We're already doing it all. This is life, already. I saw you the other day in new light. So, it is, and I accept; and forget why, close my eyes and listen. Blind men know better than this. It's time I stopped taking for granted the things we all know. These are gifts. And one would selfishly hoard what he knows is already his. Ideas like armor. You haven't lost a thing. Rarely do we ever have anything to say and so often we'd rather articulate for the sake of wanting to feel heard. It's easy to talk, even to your self. How hard has it ever been to just know? It is here the greatest trick has been played. Actions speak louder than words. That man is dead, but you're still pumping blood into his veins. How seldom we listen. I wish not to surrender the comfort of being understood to something as unstable as another ego, or worse yet my own. I haven't anything left to be intellectualized. Nothing to be measured, or played out. Can you smell emotion? Can you feel it seething in these words? Words are such hideous blasphemers of thought. These ends are not met simply by articulation. It's not me, it's not you. We are already the same person. It merits nothing. What good is it to try and awaken the giant within if that is already who we are? Articulation was never the point but drastic measures are used in dire circumstances, and oh how excessive the dribble. It isn't till you've destroyed everything you have, that any kind of image becomes clear. How do you feel. How DO you feel? How does this make you feel. What does this make you want to do. How was your day. How was your breakfast. How does it feel when you're alone. Trust me, you're already there. It's time I put away childish things. This will be an age of knowing. THE PAST IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN EXPLANATION-LESS EXCUSE TO PUT OFF THE ANSWERS FOR TODAY. The future is a frustration, a hellish impatience - a constipation of effort. I can't hope that anyone feels this - no, not some abstraction. Something more. I trust that somewhere you do. Somewhere you have. Sometime it will return again, and again, in some sacred place where we will have the privilege of feeling human. Our knowledge can only truly resonate through action. Move me. It's what I can't control that breaths the most life. I'm ready to let go.. |
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| I think |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|03:41 am] |
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that when one has determined the boundaries between "the real" and "the non real"... Can the imagination truly take flight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2009|07:37 pm] |
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Patiently remaining... |
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| Fuck |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|01:44 am] |
'I see you in the dark corner of the street
Coming after me, yeah
Headlights on full-beam
Coming down the fast lane
Coming after me
I would like to change back now
To the shadow of
The shadow of my former self
Nowadays I get panicked
I cease to exist
I have ceased to exist
I feel absolutely nothing
The words are out of ink
The words you know are out of ink
You follow me around
Follow me around' |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|09:17 pm] |
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Why does everything always feel half finished. I suppose this feeling lingers the more I hate it. But I can't help it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|11:12 pm] |
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Staring procrastination in the face. I've never been one for self pep-talks. Never sure of it's effectiveness or maybe I haven't given it enough a piece of my mind. I'll admit though, given the context of the situation it certainly has it's place. I'm fucking terrible at listening to my own advice. It's always something though it seems. Some gaping nothingness I'm holding on to. I've filled that space countless times with things that only kept me in place, weather I knew it or not, know it or not. Stress has gotten the better of my time. I also only have what I've allowed my self. This too, rings true. Loudly. Although strangely enough it feels so totally unfounded, unwanted, and all the rest. I can feel my eyes doing what I am used to doing but I resist... and in my stupor I find my self wading through familiar territory, yet as perplexing & frustrating as ever. Aunt Kari and another aunt whom I've only met once passed away in the same week, and in the midst of the emotions I am left to tend the house. Upon waiting for the hail of bad-luck-with-vehicles to end, I am also left without a job. I suppose it doesn't matter when the new G.M. doesn't know you and over staffs. It was a nice for over a year and 1/2, although I expected more from this situation. But I suppose I can take the good with the bad. I feel like I needed a change of scenery. & the temporary solitude might be good; mostly having a rest from whatever it is I feel when I'm around my parents. Free time is more time to feel less stuck, or at least that's what I'll need to tell my self. |
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| Back |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|01:37 am] |
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding...
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain." -Kahlil Gibran |
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conscript's journal
